Jumbled Thoughts

Omg I feel like im going crazy! Trapped in this damn house, broke, lonely its so strange seeing my peers live their life while im stuck in this place a year behind. Its really strange. Im a bout to log off of facebook and all that social networking again it really isn't helping. Im just sitting here drinking my Smirnoff bang on the keyboard hoping it all makes sense. Im not even gon spell check this! GIVING IT TO YOU RAW AND UNCUT STARIAGHT OFF THE DOME! Listenignt o this amerie cd its pretty hot. Theres this one song where she talks about not being able to trust someone because she doesn't even trust love! How deep is that? I don't know why love and emotion plays such a large role in my life. I feel like some people can walk around with their emotions in check and I really wish I could be that way sometimes. i have this persistent anxiety that seems to be taking over my life. This fear of failure its so scary to me.im looking at my schedule for November and its looking real dry. I missed the first ever Kean historical society meeting and I was pissed! All because of work. Work work work work work work work… im damn grateful for that job but Abercrombie aint shit! Its all a system very intricate and very faulty. Which comes full circle to watching my peers live their dreams. I sit and think and wonder and cry about what if I graduated from the University of Florida, the only college I ever applied to when I used to be a traight a student. The last 4 years got me feeling hollow. Extremely vacant its hard for me to even care about much of anything. I was talkin to my bestie deon and we were comparing our freshman year. Its sad that we both came to the conclusion that we didn't even have a chance. For different reasons of course. It was just a series of unfortunate events. Black, gay, broke, in a country swamp. I learned a lot tho and met some amazing people. I just need that FIRE! I don't really have a passion or hobby. i don't even play videogames like I used to. Its really upsetting. expressing. And while I love being home im slowly starting to remember why I left. Its too many women here! Ugh like 7 of them in one house. And they all loud and rude and it's a lot. There is constant emasculation from every angle. Gay men on tv are faggots and sissies its just too much on my psyche. I feel like im in a void I guess that's all for now. Trust there is more im just tryin to get back into this thing.